


Chan, My Friend

by Starlight1395



Series: My Dear Friend [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jisung's POV, Referenced suicide, somewhat graphic self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 20:09:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16541360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Companion to Insomnia, My FriendWhile Chan is battling his own demons, what was going through the mind of Han Jisung? His hyung, his friend, the person he looked up to the most was scarred and hurting, and Jisung didn't know what to do. How did he make the flood inside of him go away? What if he followed in Chan's footsteps...?





	Chan, My Friend

**Author's Note:**

> If you read Insomnia, My Friend some of this dialogue is going to sound familiar, but I wanted to rewrite the two big scenes between Chan and Jisung from Jisung's POV

Jisung remembered the first time he saw Chan’s wrist. They were preparing for their debut, and the older boy had been working tirelessly on their title track.

He hadn’t come back to the dorms in almost two days, and no one had even seen him since dinner the night before that - a dinner where he barely ate anything before excusing himself.

The younger rapper let himself into Chan’s studio, knowing that’s where the elder would be. True to his beliefs, Chan was snoring softly, his cheek pressed against his notebook and his computer screen on sleep mode. Jisung frowned.

“Come on hyung, at least sleep on the couch.” He whispered, trying to get Chan to stand and move. As soon as he flopped down onto the couch, Chan covered his eyes with his arm, leaving his wrist facing upwards. Jisung felt his heart stop.

Why would Chan have scars on his arm? They didn’t look like they were from an accident - at least, not any accident Jisung could think of. Shaking his head, the younger boy covered his leader with a blanket and turned off the light, pushing the images of the faint white lines out of his mind.

* * *

  
Chan avoided wearing short sleeves, but when he slipped up no one said anything. No one commented the first time he wore a tank top in front of them, other than the casual ‘wow hyung look at how muscular you are’ which he just laughed off.

Jisung watched his hyung with a weird feeling in his chest. He had done some research into what the lines meant, and realized his hyung was hurting. Had been hurting? Still was hurting? Jisung had no idea if it was still ongoing.

“Hyung, can I ask you a question?” Jisung pulled Chan aside one day after everyone had started to pack up.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Chan was panting and sweaty but smiling. Practice had gone amazing and they were so close to debuting.

“Is… is everything alright?” Jisung didn’t know how to bring it up.

“Of course,” Chan smiled more and ruffled Jisung’s sweaty bangs. The younger boy pushed him away with a faint scowl. “Why wouldn’t everything be alright?”

“No reason… just wanted to make sure you were good. Everyone’s kinda stressed about debut and since you’re the leader and all… you’re always checking in on us so I wanted to check in on you.”

“Oh Jisung…” Chan’s smile softened and his eyes turned glassy. He pulled the younger boy into a hug, despite both of them being sweaty and kind of gross. “You’re amazing, you know that right? I’m so lucky to have you as a brother.”

“Come on you two!” Woojin called from the door. “We have an early morning tomorrow.”

“Yes dad!” Chan called over Jisung’s head. “Come on, let’s head home. We could all use some rest.”

“Yeah…” Jisung followed reluctantly, not happy with the response Chan gave him.  
  


* * *

  
Jisung felt as though he had been the one scolded. The practice room fell silent as Chan’s words echoed off the walls. He could see the confusion in some of the other member’s faces, and for once he wished his English wasn’t so good.

“Jesus fucking christ Lix, do you even give a shit about this band? Is this all a joke to you? Get your shit together already.” Chan snapped at Felix, who stared at his leader with large, glassy eyes. The air in the room seemed suffocating.

Jisung wanted to run after Chan when the older boy sprinted from the room, but something held him back. He stood, watching the other members comfort Felix, who was starting to cry.

“When was the last time Chan hyung snapped at any of us like that? Felix asked, angrily wiping his cheeks. The room went silent again as the boys thought back,

“Back during the show?” Seungmin offered. Jisung felt his stomach drop.

The reason Chan had been so on edge during the show was his depression was getting the best of him. Jisung knew Chan didn’t want them to know, but they had all heard their leader sobbing at two in the morning at least once. Jisung had been the one to overhear a conversation between him and someone on the phone, where he admitted to wanting to hurt himself again - to just end it all. Jisung had been so scared that he ran away, back to his room, and never mentioned it to anyone.

“That’s because he was stressed and suicidal-” Jisung spoke without thinking, not only spilling one of the biggest secrets he kept about the elder, but also realizing in the same second just how dire the situation was.

“You don’t think he’s back in that place again, do you?” Jeongin asked, his voice soft.

Jisung realized he wasn’t the only one to figure out something was wrong with Chan. The others obviously understood way more than their leader probably ever wanted them to. Jisung’s stomach flipped.

“We have to find him.” Changbin sounded the way Jisung felt.

They all ran to find Chan.

* * *

  
The pressure wasn’t going away. Jisung bit back a whimper as his head was bombarded again. He didn’t really understand what was going on. He had handled past comebacks easily, but something was different this time. There was a… a flood in his body that kept pressing against him and made it hard to breathe.

He went to the gym. In the past, running had help clear his mind, and he prayed this could also be solved by some mindless exercise. Four hours later he found himself panting, legs almost giving out.

Treadmill, weight lifting, elliptical, choreography. Nothing stopped the flood that was pressing harder and harder against his skin. He bit his lip to hold back a sob, only relaxing when he tasted blood. He dragged himself to the showers and washed the sweat off, his mind never once letting him think.

When he got back to the dorms, everything was silent. Half the boys were out and the other half were either napping or playing games. Jisung went to the living room where he found Seungmin and Hyungjin playing Smash Bros - a game he was so familiar with he could play it in his sleep.

“You wanna play?” Hyungjin offered, holding up a third controller. Jisung nodded and plopped down next to them, picking his favorite character.

He easily beat the other two. They were no match for his smash skills, but he mind was anywhere but the game. He thought back to Chan, and the lines on his arms.

He wasn’t stupid. He did his research. He knew why people cut themselves, and it was starting to scare him a little bit.

“-okay?” Seungmin’s voice broke through his thoughts. Jisung looked up and saw the game over screen flashing, their characters clapping for his character.

“Yeah, I’m just tired,” Jisung said quietly. He placed the controller down and stood. “I’m going to go take a nap.”

“Sleep well-” Hyungjin was cut off by the sound of a bedroom door closing abruptly.

* * *

  
“Hyung, can I ask you something that might be bad?” Jisung wanted to take the words back the second they left his chapped lips. Chan nodded at him, and the younger rapper could see the worry in the older boy’s eyes. “Not here… I don’t want the others to hear.”

“Wanna go to the park? It’s not too late.” Chan offered and Jisung nodded. He was familiar with the park. It was where they would sneak off to when they needed a chance to relax. He had forgotten how much he loved the swings until Seungmin convinced him to go with them one night, right after they had been confirmed to debut. After all their hard work, they decided to reward themselves by acting like the kids they were for an hour or two.

They two boys walked across the playground, their footsteps silenced by the damp wood chips. They sat under the rock climbing wall, the last beams of sunset lighting up the entire playground.

“Don’t be mad at me,” Jisung didn’t know why he said that. “And… you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“What’s wrong Jisunggie?” Chan’s voice was soft and warm, and the amount of love in his words made Jisung’s chest clench. Was he making a mistake, bringing Chan out here and bringing up things the older boy obviously didn’t like talking about? Jisung bit hit bottom lip again, his front teeth ripping open the scabbing that had just formed over the last time he had bit his lip open.

“Hyung…” Jisung felt cold. “Why do you hurt yourself?” He saw Chan freeze and wanted to backpedal, but at the same time he needed answers.

“I- I…” Chan looked scared, and Jisung started to think this really was a mistake.

“You don’t have to answer…” Jisung interrupted. He rubbed at his cheeks, the chill of sunset starting to set in. “I just… lately, it feels like there’s this… flood inside of me and no matter what I do i can’t seem to make it go away. I try dancing and working out. I’ve tried writing songs and playing video games but I still feel like I’m suffocating,” Jisung felt his throat tightening. The flood was pushing even harder, almost taunting him - or threatening him. “I… I tried looking up other ways to make it stop. I was hoping maybe there was some workout that would help or something, but I found something else…” He trailed off. The flood raged against him, slamming against his skin, screaming at him to shut up. He glanced up and saw the horror and pain in Chan’s eyes, and knew the older boy knew what he meant. Chan stared at him for a moment before opening and closing his mouth.

“Jisung..” Chan sounded scared. “Believe me when I say it’s not worth it. You think it helps, but it keeps spiraling out of control until it controls you. I’ve been clean… almost three years and I still get the urge to hurt myself. Three years later. I’ve been told you can be a decade clean and still feel that itch…” Chan dug a small hole in the wood chips as he spoke, almost as if he was afraid to look at Jisung.

“Hyung, I’m really scared,” Jisung’s voice shook. He knew the dangers, the long term effects. Despite all that, a sick part of him still wanted to try. A tear ran down his face. “I saw that and I… I really want to try it… I really, really wanted to see if it would help…” Tears were flowing freely now.

“You can’t,” Chan said, finally looking at the younger boy. Jisung refused to return the eye contact. Jisung knew he looked like a mess, but the flood was getting stronger. “Please Jisung… promise me you won’t ever try.I know it looks like an escape, but it’s… it’s just another way to chain yourself up.”

“Why did you stop?” Jisung asked, his voice stuffy and wet sounding.

“Because I found something worth living for,” Chan’s voice was so warm and comforting that Jisung started to cry even harder. “Because I found something worth staying for and working towards. I found you guys, and I realized I needed to stick around for you.”

Jisung was struck with a horrifying thought.

“If.. if you didn’t find us, or if we didn’t debut… would you still be here?” Jisung felt Chan tense next to him and knew the answer before the older boy even opened his mouth.

“I…. I don’t think so Jisung. I really don’t. You… you and the others,” He smiled ruefully. “You saved my life. I could never thank you enough for that.”

“Please don’t leave us hyung.” Jisung knocked Chan over as he sobbed into the older boy’s chest. Image after image of Chan leaving them behind flashed through his mind and it terrified him. The thought of never seeing Chan’s dumb smile or hearing his stupid accent or dealing with his outdated vine references ever again made Jisung’s world crash down around him. Chan’s arms came up to hold Jisung tight, and the younger boy just cried harder. The two stayed like that for a little while until Chan started to feel the chill of night slip through their clothes.

“Come on Sungie, it’s getting late and I can feel you shivering.” He helped the younger boy stand, and part of Jisung didn’t care that he was shivering. As long as he and Chan were there, in that park, under the rock climbing wall, Chan would be safe.

Chan wouldn’t leave them.

* * *

  
“Has anyone heard anything from Chan?” All of their phones had been confiscated the second they left the movie theater, and no one knew where their leader was.

“I’ll check the studio,” Jisung offered, a sour feeling starting to build in his stomach. “He’s probably just over working himself again.”

“I’ll go with you,” Felix offered. “I left my sweatshirt in the practice room so I was planning on going back anyway.”

Jisung could feel his heart beating harder and harder as he made his way up to Chan’s studio.

When everything clicked, it was if he blacked out.

The next thing he knew, he was back at the dorms and everyone was frantic. No one knew where Chan was. No one knew why there was so much blood on the floor, but they all had an idea. Their manager came in and explained what happened.

“Chan… Chan is in the hospital right now,” He said carefully, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “He lost a lot of b-blood, but he’s stable now. We’ll be allowed in to see him as soon as he wakes up, but for now all we can do it try and get some sleep-”

“Did hyung try to kill himself?” JIsung asked, cutting their manager off. The man looked shocked before answering.

“I don’t think that’s-”

“So he did,” Jisung felt… calm. “Hyung tried to leave… us…”

Jisung stood up and raced to the bathroom, locking the door firmly behind him. His heart was beating loudly in his ears and he thought he was going to explode. He began hyperventilating as he heard banging on the door.

“Jisung! Open the door!” It sounded like Woojin. Jisung sobbed louder and louder until suddenly there was a cool calm rushing over him. He slumped, no more sobs to be found in him. He stood and unlocked the door. Woojin instantly hugged him tightly, the older boy shaking as he whispered comforts to the younger. Jisung let Woojin old him until he pushed the arms away.

“I’m okay now hyung,” Jisung said, his voice void of any emotion. He pushed past the eldest member and went to his room. No one else was there. Jisung could hear them in the living room, comforting each other. He reached into his desk and pulled out an envelope that he had hidden away.

When he first thought about hurting himself, he instantly tossed the idea away as insane. As time progressed, the idea seemed more and more reasonable.

Before his talk with Chan at the park, Jisung had taken apart one of the old pencil sharpeners he had lying around, removed the blade easily, tucked it into an envelope and hid it. He never thought he would use it, especially after that night on the playground. But now everything was different.

Chan tried to kill himself.

He tried to leave.

He promised he would never leave, and he broke that promise.

The flood inside Jisung raged in a way the boy had never felt before. He felt as though the water was rushing down his throat, choking off any breath he might have taken. The water washed away any restraint or rational thought he might have had

The only thing on his mind was to make everything stop.

He brought the blade down to his arm quickly, not knowing quite how sharp the little piece of metal was. He hissed in pain as the blood instantly started to drip down his skin. Despite the pain, the flood didn’t stop. In fact, the pressure of the flood got greater and greater. He made another cut, tears running down his face.

Why wasn’t it helping? He sobbed quietly as he made another line. Why wasn’t it making things go away?

“Jisung?” A voice called to the rapper.

“I’m fine.” He called back, his voice cracking. He made another cut, trying to make it deeper. Maybe he just needed more blood for it to work.

“You’re crying.” It was Minho. The older boy always knew when Jisung was lying.

“I’ll be out in a minute. I just needed to be alone for a little bit.” Jisung wasn’t sure how he was able to respond so easily when his hands where shaking and covered in blood.

“Okay… Woojin hyung wanted us all to eat together, and then we were going to wait at the hospital for Chan hyung to wake up.”

“Alright…” Jisung said and listened for Minho’s footsteps to leave. As soon as he knew he was alone, he tried again. The blood was already clotting on the first cuts, but the bright cherry red of the new blood contrasted painfully against the browning lines on his paling skin. In a fit of desperation, Jisung made one last line.

The pain shot down his arm and he dropped the blade. He sat heavily and stared at the lines on his arm, trying to comprehend what he had just done. He had cut himself, despite Chan’s warnings. He cut himself, and now he was going to have scars for the rest of his life - just like Chan. He cut himself, and it didn’t even help.

He pulled his sleeve down - thankfully he had been wearing a black shirt - to cover the bloody mess and slipped out of the bathroom. Everyone was gathered in the living room. Jisung could hear their manager ordering dinner for them, and he felt another rush of guilt. Their manager cared so much about them, and Jisung went and did something so dangerous on top of Chan being in the hospital.

Jisung slipped into the empty bathroom and cleaned the blood from his arm before carefully placing a makeshift bandage over the wounds and pulling his sleeve down again. Only after splashing his face with water was Jisung able to leave the bathroom and face his members in the living room.

* * *

  
“Jisung… why won’t you look at me?” Chan’s voice was rough. He had just woken up, according to the nurse. It had been almost two days since they had last seen their leader. The entire time the nine members were together in the small hospital room, Jisung had held back. He was afraid that Chan would be able to sense what he had done. He had spent the last two days paranoid that someone was going to find out and yell at him, or think he was stupid for it, the guilt more painful than the cuts, keeping him awake while the others napped in the uncomfortable waiting room chairs. .

“Hyung I-” The dam burst. Jisung felt all the emotions he had been holding back since the moment he sliced into his skin come bursting forth, like the flood had finally had enough of being inside Jisung and wanted out. His arm throbbed under his sleeve and he wished he could just disappear. He clutched his arm close to his chest, as if he could protect his still healing skin from the outside world. “I’m so sorry hyung. You were right… it didn’t help! It just hurt! It hurt so much! I just wanted something to make it go away but it- it just made everything worse.”

“Jisung…” The younger rapper didn’t have to look up to know Chan’s face would be a mask of horror and pain and understanding. “Come here.”

Jisung didn’t hesitate. He was careful crawling into Chan’s lap, cautious of the bandaging on his arm, and sobbed into his chest. He could feel Chan trying to wrap his arms around him, the older boy’s muscles tensing and relaxing. Jisung didn’t know one person could have so many tears in them.

“Can I see your arm?” Chan asked once Jisung had calmed down a little. Jisung hesitated even through part of him knew it was going to happen. He rolled his sleeves up, the fabric scraping against the sensitive skin. He only took off the makeshift bandage that morning, the area was still red and puffed and hideous against his otherwise unmarred skin.

Chan stared at the cuts as if he could make the disappear, searing them off with the intensity of his glare. Jisung saw his left arm tense under the restraints, and noted how his leader’s eyes were glassy. Jisung felt even more guilty in that moment.

“Oh love…” Chan whispered, sounding defeated. “I’m so sorry… I should have been there to help you…”

“It’s not your fault hyung,” Jisung instantly jumped to the older boy’s defense. A small part of him said no, it was Chan’s fault. Jisung never would have been so tempted to hurt himself if he hadn’t been so convinced that his friend left them, but Jisung swallowed that bit down. He listened as Chan comforted him, the entire time his mind screaming that he shouldn’t be the one being comforted. Chan was the one in the hospital, not him. Chan was the one on suicide watch, not him.

Chan was the one hurting the most. Not him.

Jisung promised he would be back tomorrow and left Chan to rest. He waited until he was in the hospital elevator before letting out frustrated shout and slamming his head against the wall. He left his forehead resting against the fake wooden panels as the elevator descended to the parking garage under the building.

* * *

  
Jisung had trouble looking at Chan sometimes. Though their leader had been clean for almost a year, the younger rapper could still see the gouges on Chan’s arm behind his eyes and felt his stomach heave, despite the paleness of the scars in reality. It was a nightmare he could never really escape.

Chan reached out to Jisung after he had been on his medication for a while. He said he wanted to make sure it was going to work for him before he tried to help anyone else. Jisung wanted to push him away - didn’t want to burden the other boy anymore - but he kept finding himself going back to his friend.

The scars on his own arm weren’t as bad anymore. He used a special oil that was to get rid of scarring, and it was slowly but surely working. At first, it seemed like nothing was happening, and Jisung started to get frustrated, but one day Chan pulled him aside.

“I wanted to talk to you.” Chan said, handing the younger boy a water bottle.

“What’s wrong?” Jisung wasn’t normally taken away from the others when Chan wanted to talk. Normally, if it was about music or choreo, their leader would chat openly with everyone and would try to include as much feedback as he could.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Chan quickly said, smiling at the younger boy. “I wanted to say if you wanted to start wearing short sleeves again, no one is going to say anything. They never said anything about my arm, and your scars have been fading really nicely. You can barely even see them anymore.”

“You think?” Jisung asked, rubbing his arm right where the scars were. It became a habit after the cuts healed, almost like a way to comfort himself.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Chan continued, a look of understanding in his eyes. “But I can tell you’re getting overheated during practice and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

“I’ll think about it hyung.” Jisung said, offering his leader a small smile.

And he did think about it. A week later, Jisung took his sweatshirt off at practice to show a graphic tee underneath. He flopped down on the ground and drained half his water before he looked up and caught Chan’s eye in the mirror, returning the grin his friend was sending him.

“Ready to get back to work?” Felix asked, holding out a hand to help the rapper up. Jisung took it without thinking. He could see Felix’s eyes trail up his arm, and felt the slight tightening of Felix’s hold on his hand when the Australian boy saw the faint, pale lines on his otherwise tanned skin, but was almost surprised when Felix didn’t say anything. His friend just smiled at him and gave him a quick hug before getting into position.

Jisung smiled at Felix when the dancer shot the rapper a thumbs up, just as the music started.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a suggestion given to me by Talic21! As soon as they mentioned the same timeline but from Jisung's POV I jumped on the idea. Chan and Jisung are my two biases in Stray Kids, so of course I have to put them through hell and back, but at least they got their happy ending right?
> 
> On a more serious note, I wanted to give the best advice I can. If you're feeling the way Chan or Jisung are, talk to someone. I know it sounds stupid and cliche and impossible, but as someone who's been through all of this already, talking is what saved my life. Confide in a friend. Talk to a parent. Find an online friend and explain what's been going on.   
> Message them, say "Can I rant for a second?" and go. Getting what's bothering you off your chest, like Jisung and Chan at the park, can really make a difference.   
> And if you know a friend is struggling, reach out to them every day if you have to. They might push you away, but your persistence could save their life.   
> Please, everyone. Take care of yourself and your friends. This world is a cruel place, but we have to prove that we're not going to be beaten down.


End file.
